


Enkindle This!

by Arke



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Blasto - Freeform, F/M, Ficlet, Fluff, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-19 14:51:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7366015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arke/pseuds/Arke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard finally convinces Tali to watch something other than <em>Fleet and Flotilla</em>.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Enkindle This!

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Shepard’s dialogue in the Citadel DLC that occurs when you invite Tali to the apartment and then pick Renegade options during the viewing of _Fleet and Flotilla_. It basically amounts to “Are you f#@%ing serious with this?”
> 
> As a side note, if you haven’t had the opportunity to stand there and listen to all the parts of the _Blasto 6_ advertisement at the Presidium Commons in ME3, I highly recommend it. Spoilers ahead for that advertisement (I guess?).
> 
> (Rated T for mild language.)

Fifth time that Tali wanted to watch _Fleet and Flotilla_.  Fifth time that Shepard had to sit through cheesy one-liners, melodramatic nonsense, and boring camera angles.  Fifth time that Tali had called _that_ date night.  There was a war on, time was rapidly running out, and she wanted to spend their rare moments of respite watching _that_.

He understood why Tali liked it, he really did.  It was passionate and sentimental, the kind of tacky romance-novel-esque idealization of love that appealed to young people inexperienced with it.  Love that fought to the last dying breath.  Love that survived the impossible, despite all suggestions that it was doomed from the start.  Love that transcended borders and space and even species.  Nothing that was entirely implausible in every case, but just the right amount of idealism that kept young people’s hearts afloat with hope.

But watching the same one play out on screen over and over again, lame love confessions said in a dozen different ways that all could have just as easily been summed up in one line, could whittle down even the most resilient of wills.  Shepard preferred a bit more action with his ridiculous dialogue – something like _Blasto_.

 _Blasto_ vids were not any better, if he were to be honest with himself.  But they were bad in a different way. 

He had to admit that _Blasto_ had the same penchant for cheesy one-liners, but at least they were the sort he could use himself if he felt like it, and no one would have to ask what sort of cryptic nonsense he was spouting.  Not that he had ever had occasion to level a gun at some mercenary’s head and shout, “Enkindle _this_!”  But some of the other ones were nice to have in his back pocket, just in case.

At least the melodramatic drivel was entirely absent.  Instead, there were skycar chases that typically culminated with props exploding.  And the camera angles for all those explosions?— spot on.  When the entire screen filled with red embers and black smoke, it was exciting – fun, even.  A grown man’s guilty pleasure. 

They were gloriously shameless.  That was why he enjoyed them so much.

So when he finally convinced Tali to go see the latest _Blasto_ vid during their next stop on the Citadel, he entered the theater with the sort of enthusiasm usually reserved for kids in toy stores.

They took their seats, Tali never one to particularly enjoy the theater, herself – usually too crowded and full of germs – but with the chair was comfortable enough, and the theater was relatively clean from what she could tell.  And when the vid started with Blasto himself in an argument with his volus chief, so many instances of _this one_ punctuated with wheezy rebuttals that stretched every line to make it twice as long as necessary, she knew it was bound to be bad.  Really bad.

When Bubin, Blasto’s new elcor partner, appeared on screen and muttered something _badassfully_ , she sunk into the chair. 

_“Are you engaging in reproductive behavior with this one?”_

Tali wanted to bury her face in her hands, but that would have been difficult.

The boom mic was visible in the shot.  The backdrop was a screen with poor resolution, like it had been resized and printed on some ancient machine.  Her hand hit her helmet as she tried not to look away.

For all the fantastic technology in the galaxy, the entertainment vids sure were poor quality.  The Citadel itself was a scientific marvel, a timeless piece of galactic history utilizing the incredible relay system upon which all technology in the galaxy was based, and she was sitting there on this magnificent station, watching a hanar spout something about _krogan defecation_.

A loose cannon being partnered with a by-the-book officer… hardly a new concept.  Blasto’s antics were exactly what she expected, and yet they were even worse than what she imagined.

_“Badassfully: damn it, Blasto, I am just three solar days from retirement.”_

“Oh, keelah…”

Shepard glanced at her.  “Tali, your, uh…”

“Oh, right!  Sorry!  O-Oh, sorry.  Wait, sorry— maybe I should just… stop… talk…ing…”

Tali cringed as she tried to keep her mouth shut.  A dark theater was the last place where she wanted attention drawn to the fact that her faceplate lit up with every little annoyed groan.

She started keeping a running count of the word “badassfully.”  She was up to twenty-four— well, twenty-five.  She wondered if Bubin’s lines were written that way in the script, or whether the actor had determined to preface every line with that word.  Elcor were so confusing.

Then there was something about Bubin’s sister, and she immediately knew.

And there it was.

A hanar having sex with an elcor… somehow.  That was an image she could have done happily without.  Was that even a female elcor?  How was she supposed to tell?  She had no idea what she was looking at, anyway.

How long was this thing?  It felt like it had been ages already.

Then Bubin was injured in a shootout with some vorcha, and Tali rolled her eyes.  Listening to an elcor _badassfully_ and yet so emotionlessly sputter his dying words was so tacky, but evidently she was supposed to feel something about it, because Shepard then put his hand over hers atop the armrest, knowing and supportive and— no, his eyes were fixed on the screen.  Maybe the scene was actually affecting _him_ that way.

What a surprise, Bubin’s sister was a double agent working for the vorcha.  Tali shook her head, watching as Blasto broke through a window to raid the vorcha lair, and— wait.  A hanar broke through a window.  A big _jellyfish_ managed to break through a solid pane of glass.  She heaved a sigh.  Whatever remained of her suspension of disbelief was entirely gone now.

And then, a shot of the vorcha mastermind standing on top of obviously flammable material, about as subtle as a big, flashing neon sign.  And Tali held her breath, knowing what was coming.

_“Enkindle this.”_

A big explosion, a dummy vorcha exploding and spraying fake blood everywhere, and a rumble so loud it made the pieces of her helmet clatter against one another.

“Ugh…” 

A vid intended to entertain should not make one physically ill, she thought.

And yet, Shepard’s hand squeezed hers a little tighter.

Bubin was revived with the help of his sister, who had conveniently been convinced to turn over a new leaf even after all of Blasto’s nonsense, and the volus chief was back to wheezily chiding the hanar for his recklessness.  Blasto shoved his paperwork onto Bubin’s plate, and the elcor had one last comment to _badassfully_ make before the credits began to roll.  And Tali could finally stop counting.

Fifty-two.  Fifty-two instances of “badassfully.”  And Shepard complained about watching _Fleet and Flotilla_ five times.

Tali could not have left the theater quickly enough.  The artificial sunlight of the Presidium was suddenly a welcome sight.  When she could no longer stand the silence between them – despite the stupid grin on Shepard’s face – she had to speak.

“Well, Shepard… that was bad.”

“You think so?” he asked.  He suddenly looked so dejected that she had to smile. 

“Yes, I do.  Really, really bad.”  She turned towards him, happiness evident in her eyes even through the shine of her visor, and took his hand.  “But at least the company was good.”


End file.
